Weirded out by good vibes lol

MikeM

Platinum Member
I totally know that feeling. I'm not crazy about it because it makes me feel awkward, like, should I wait for them to come over and deliver the obligatory compliment or acknowledgement or whatever, or should I go over to the stranger and make myself that much more available for it. And what if they didn't dig what we did too much? Yikes.

Just weird. I usually like to get my drums off stage and packed up or otherwise dealt with first thing, then outside for a breather. That way I can bypass most of the socializing with strangers. They're welcome to follow me if they're so inclined and I don't mind that. Then I like to head in to check out the next band when it's so loud that the interactions can only be smiles.

I don't think I would test into that extrovert category but who knows; it feels like the act of playing for people is extroverted enough. Beyond that, it's a little uncomfortable.

I usually like to check out the other drummer's kits at shows and strike up conversation with them if they have interesting setups and seem receptive (surprisingly many aren't). But it is fun to meet other drummers and talk shop and see what kind of gear and drummers they like. Nights where there's some good drummer bonding going on are some of my favorites.
 

SOGdrummer

Senior Member
It is definitely worse when that doesn't happen! We played an outdoor all day event at a pavilion on a church grounds several years ago...out in the middle of no where. We are definitely a contemporary Christian ROCK band and the other bands included the local high school jazz band, a barbershop quartet and a Lee Greenwood/Tom Jones wanna be who sang to a recorded track complete with all the best Tom Jones moves.

Halfway through out set we noticed that the folks in the front row were staring at the stage, and moved back about 15 yards...thought we were too loud until we say the large black snake slither out from under the stage...guess he was not a fan of our music.

Anyway, no one came up to chat after our set except a young boy right out of the movie "Deliverance" who approached our lead guitarist and I and said "You're with that rock band aren't you?", I said yes and he walked away without another word..

Would have loved some smiles that day, even if they were faux friends!
 

Pollyanna

Platinum Member
@ Bo, by "musicians" they would have been saying 60% of pro musos are extrovert. I would probably be in the 99.9992% of data monkeys who is introverted :)

@ 8-Mile , "Neil Peart when he says he appreciates the attention but is embarrassed by it at the same time" is nicely put but, he must feel odd about the "greatest drummer of all time" tag given that his teacher, Peter Erskine, runs rings around him ... of course, that kind of perspective seems to have bypassed someone like Axl Rose :)

@ Brent & Eames ... yep, a woman on the drums is definitely a curio. It's my secret weapon :)

@ NC - you poor bugger! Yesterday my jeans had a button up fly which is impossible to forget so we can discount that :)

@ Larry, see MikeM's posts for the exact reason why I don't go walking up to them.

Extrovert like Bo and you can probably be told "hey you were great" and then seamlessly shift the conversation to something pretty normal in seconds, but I'm not good at steering conversations and shifting topics.

I just get stuck on the same track, going in endlessly diminishing circles until we've disappeared up the arse of a topic, which is about the time when the other person spots a friend across the room, needs to get something to eat or answer a call of nature :)

@ Neil and Penguin... yes! And I'm not even British.

@ Mike - yep, I relate. I had a little drummer bonding session on the day, which was fun. Our bassist was doing some bass bonding later on too.

@ SOG - fair point. Nothing worse than being the wrong band for an occasion. We had an awful NY gig last year. People were asking for dance music and we're about a million miles from a dance band. Yesterday was great ... lovely sunny day in a beautiful rural setting, playing mellow music for mellow people relaxing to it, where rock would have been intrusive. That's exactly our domain.
 

DrumEatDrum

Platinum Member
I can relate a bit.

I recall a few times someone asked for an autograph, and I'm like "what....'we're a bunch of nobodies, why would any want our autographs?" But obviously some people had some faith that the band would one day do something (opps).
 

Bo Eder

Platinum Member
@ Bo, by "musicians" they would have been saying 60% of pro musos are extrovert. I would probably be in the 99.9992% of data monkeys who is introverted :)


Extrovert like Bo and you can probably be told "hey you were great" and then seamlessly shift the conversation to something pretty normal in seconds, but I'm not good at steering conversations and shifting topics.
I just look at self-depracation as a subtle form of seduction ;)
 

Pollyanna

Platinum Member
I just look at self-deprecation as a subtle form of seduction ;)
So when someone starts looking at their watch and says, "Ooh, I just saw someone I need to catch up with" you counter with, "No no ... wait! I'm really crap!" and then they feel too seduced to go away?

Yes, I'm a bit confused as to what your comment means in the context of this thread :)
 

Bo Eder

Platinum Member
So when someone starts looking at their watch and says, "Ooh, I just saw someone I need to catch up with" you counter with, "No no ... wait! I'm really crap!" and then they feel too seduced to go away?

Yes, I'm a bit confused as to what your comment means in the context of this thread :)
Sorry for the confusion. I just meant that I use the extroverted talent to get close, make some small talk, talk even smaller about what I do, but get them to tell me about themselves (because who doesn't like talking about themselves especially when they're pretty?) They see you're a humble person as opposed to an egomaniac, interested in them more than myself, and then they'll follow me anywhere. This is a standard pickup technique ;)
 

Pollyanna

Platinum Member
Sorry for the confusion. I just meant that I use the extroverted talent to get close, make some small talk, talk even smaller about what I do, but get them to tell me about themselves (because who doesn't like talking about themselves especially when they're pretty?) They see you're a humble person as opposed to an egomaniac, interested in them more than myself, and then they'll follow me anywhere. This is a standard pickup technique ;)
Ta Bo, that's the extra step I was hoping for. While self-deprecation is more charming than bragging, it's still talking about oneself whereas talking about the other person wins gold. Bummer when what the other person says is really workaday, though, hey? I'm really bad at developing interest in things that don't already grab me - which of course is one of the most valuable social skills!

When it comes to talking about others, it's even more that way from this side of the fence. Tricky for me because I'm a wisecracker but (with some exceptions) I'm more popular with blokes I date when I refrain from making jokes myself and instead titter appropriately at their ham-fisted attempts at humour :)
 

Homeularis

Gold Member
This thread gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling.

I'm smiling while I'm reading it. :)

Hmmm?, should I be feeling weird too?. :0
 

Bo Eder

Platinum Member
Ta Bo, that's the extra step I was hoping for. While self-deprecation is more charming than bragging, it's still talking about oneself whereas talking about the other person wins gold. Bummer when what the other person says is really workaday, though, hey? I'm really bad at developing interest in things that don't already grab me - which of course is one of the most valuable social skills!

When it comes to talking about others, it's even more that way from this side of the fence. Tricky for me because I'm a wisecracker but (with some exceptions) I'm more popular with blokes I date when I refrain from making jokes myself and instead titter appropriately at their ham-fisted attempts at humour :)
You play the game well, I see ;)
 

Homeularis

Gold Member
BTW, what's that Homeularis bloke over there bloody smiling about?? :)
I guess I'm just living vicariously through you in your original post, imagining you walking around with random strangers looking and smiling at you with approval.

That kinda thing makes me feel pretty comfy, and not weird at all.

Sounds like good times. :]
 

Bo Eder

Platinum Member
Oh no, Bo, you play the game sooo much better than I do ... please tell me more *unnerving grin*

BTW, what's that Homeularis bloke over there bloody smiling about??

:)
Not much more to tell, really. It's just a matter of giving a little of yourself in exchange for alot of them, and seeing if they're willing to play along. This probably works better on adults as opposed to the self-centered teens-through-20-somethings, though. Working at Disneyland with all these nubile dancers and performer-types, there's definitely no shortage of attractive people chomping at the bit to tell you how great they are. I feign enough interest to sink the hook in 'em and if what they say doesn't interest me, it's not like I have to continue the conversation. But it is rather surprising how empty some of these people's lives are. Show 'em a little interest and it makes them so happy. Which makes me think nobody has ever listened to them at all?

Sometimes it's good that beauty is only skin-deep. Some people you just want to look at anyway ;)
 

Pollyanna

Platinum Member
I guess I'm just living vicariously through you in your original post, imagining you walking around with random strangers looking and smiling at you with approval.

That kinda thing would make me feel pretty comfy, and probably not weird at all.

Sounds like good times. :]
I was just givin' ya crap, Homey :)

Yes, it's a whole lot better being smiled at than dissed or scowled at. It's just that I didn't know how to respond ... I just smiled back and moseyed on. There were times when it felt like it could have been an invitation to converse but, as Mike said, you're just going to get a pat on the back and my networking / conversational skills are ... well, not advanced.

I'm a pretty slow thinker ... it takes me time to process what's being said. I express myself much better in print because I have time to get my thoughts in place.
 

Homeularis

Gold Member
I was just givin' ya crap, Homey :)

Yes, it's a whole lot better being smiled at than dissed or scowled at. It's just that I didn't know how to respond ... I just smiled back and moseyed on. There were times when it felt like it could have been an invitation to converse but, as Mike said, you're just going to get a pat on the back and my networking / conversational skills are ... well, not advanced.

I'm a pretty slow thinker ... it takes me time to process what's being said. I express myself much better in print because I have time to get my thoughts in place.

Givin me crap?...No worries!...No hurt feelings here.

Plus, you called me "Homey". Now the smile is ear to ear...lol. :)

I get it. I can be a bit anti-social too. I think the scenerio you were describing is just the kinda thing to break me out of my shell though.
 

Pollyanna

Platinum Member
Working at Disneyland with all these nubile dancers and performer-types, there's definitely no shortage of attractive people chomping at the bit to tell you how great they are. I feign enough interest to sink the hook in 'em and if what they say doesn't interest me, it's not like I have to continue the conversation. But it is rather surprising how empty some of these people's lives are. Show 'em a little interest and it makes them so happy. Which makes me think nobody has ever listened to them at all?
None of the smilers at the gig were vacuous beautiful young people so I don't have that excuse :) Definitely better to be recognised for what you do than how your look, though!


Plus, you called me "Homey". Now the smile is ear to ear...lol. :)

I get it. I can be a bit anti-social too. I think the scenerio you were describing is just the kinda thing to break me out of my shell though.
Calling you Homey made me feel like Marge Simpson :) Oh well, it seems the smilers weren't enough to get me out of my shell.
 

larryace

"Uncle Larry"
So Pol, if someone smiles at you without closing the gap and initiating conversation, that makes you feel squirmy inside. I understand that, I feel it too.

What about if someone smiles, closes the gap, walks towards you and verbally compliments you. Is it any easier? For me it is.

When that happens to me, I try and deflect by saying that it's so easy to sound good when you are playing with guitarist "X" and bassist "Y". (especially if they are in earshot lol) Then I immediately ask them questions about them because I don't like talking about myself...unless what I have to say somehow involves them. But if they ask me questions and are genuinely interested, then yes I will answer their questions. But I won't bend their ear unnecessarily, I usually let them do the unnecessary bending.

Pol what you touched on is a subject I think many musicians can relate to. I believe one of the underlying reasons we play music is so that people will approach us.

Having more than my fair share of rejection early in my dating life helped to shape this issue. So if I don't approach, I can't get rejected. I'll get them to approach me, I like it better that way. I have some power here.

I definitely suffered from social anxiety in certain situations. It usually involved the opposite sex in a bar type situation when I'm not playing. When I'm playing the drums, it helps me feel more powerful in social situations.

But as I go on in life, the social anxiety thing is lessening. I understand things better now at age 52 than I did pre 40. Now I have the attitude that I'm here now and this situation won't happen anymore, so don't be afraid to exploit it.
 

Pollyanna

Platinum Member
Sorry Larry. I missed that comment. I wouldn't want to go up to someone to be complimented. They gotta come to me :)

... as you said ... "one of the underlying reasons we play music is so that people will approach us" ... how true ... in a way. It's an introduction - you give out this chunk of yourself (which you hope will be relatively elegant / interesting / fun) and if someone likes it they will have some kind of impulse to connect.

I never initiate anything either. I wait and then nothing happens and I give up and stop trying to connect for a while ... and then I open up a bit and wait again ... now that I think about it, it's a fookin feeble way to go about life lol

I dunno. I started out wanting to connect with music. For many years now I've mostly I just played music, not to connect, but because that's what I've done for yonks. It's what I do. The social side is now a side benefit.

If someone's approaching me at a gig I'm usually hoping it will be a muso, a single man or someone who's extra funny. Preferably all three in one. It seems there's always at least one drummer in every audience. As someone said, drummers are chatty and often come and say hi and talk shop a bit.
 

larryace

"Uncle Larry"
I am starting to initiate. Not for compliments, for my own social practice, and because it's a good thing to do, as a band member. I do it to the people who are communicating with their smiles and are obviously interested with the band. I think it goes a long way when we acknowledge them personally and thank them for coming out, ask them a little about themselves. Most love to yap on and on, I just smile and listen, and they think I'm a great guy lol. It never went bad, in fact it usually goes down wonderfully. You could be really good onstage, but if you come off stage and you don't acknowledge the smiling people...you should acknowledge the smiling people. Plus you would be missing out on some very nice conversation with some very nice people.
 

HipshotPercussion

Senior Member
Being smiled at between sets concerns you? I think the time to be concerned is when people avert their gazes, 'cuz usually it means they don't like the music. (Or your fly is open, which yours, of course, isn't.)

Those smiles are indeed big networking openings. A chance to be so charming as well as talented and beautiful (which they already know) that you get yourself and the band a ton more gigs.

I've got Asperger's Syndrome, a form of autism that, well, it pretty much works as a great excuse for being an egotistical jerk, is what it does. It also means that when someone smiles at and/or initiates a conversation with me I want to run like the wind in the other direction because I've never encountered anything more excruciating in life than having to make small talk. I mean, it causes literal physical pain.

I've spent a lifetime working to get over it, at least as far as visible symptoms to others are concerned, and I've learned how to look like the most outgoing, sociable guy you could meet. It's totally an act, but without that act I never could have succeeded at any of the things I've tried.

C'mon, Polly, smile. Be friendly. It'll work out fine. Just make sure you've got someone you trust watching your back. (No, wait, that's paranoia, not Asperger's. Nevermind.)

(Hey, that's it, folks. If you're autistic, these are the jokes.)
 
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