The Hate Thread (Funny!) - ©2010 Moldy

Filacterua

Senior Member
As the self proclaimed president of the Moldy Fan Club I give you THE HATE RANT (©2010 - Moldy - Reprinted without permission, just because I'm a stalker...) Enjoy!!!

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Metalheads only care about their double bass footwork and if it's brütal enough to be faster, harder and louder than the next metal band in town. They also like to muffle their drums to sound like cardboard and have the harshest cymbals around to "cut through the mix". Some also like to be extra quick with their hands, as if speed (can you believe it!) is the only thing that matters (SPEED!)

Generic rock drummers have no imagination and cannot move beyond the standard 4/4 pattern. Sometimes they get a little funky and do a double tap on the bass, but it's generally accepted that they're "stealing stuff" from punk, and thus, are unoriginal. There's not much more that can be said about your standard bar cover band.

Punk drummers just want to be Travis Barker. Flat cymbals, low toms, bad drums. That's all. Old school punks used to beat the hell out of each other in little circles, but those times are gone. Alas, they would rather cover one eye with hair to look "mysterious" and their head with a hood to look sad. While stigmatized in the beginning as wrist-cutters, this is simply not true; These days, most just do it for the "scene". Argue, if you will, the differences between Emo and Punk, but you know the current state of punk is like this. You might want to try being Goth if this bothers you; While not Angry and Violent like oldschool punk, they are Sad and Violent, which is definitely better than just plain old Sad.

Jazz drummers are snobs who "go by feel" and think that an unrefined technique is like an unrefined palette; I mean, any man who can't appreciate a fine wine and caviar is an imbecile who "just doesn't get it". They are also the most likely to get huffy if one of their bandmates' ties is askew. Many jazz drummers are also afflicted with an obsession with minimizing their footprint on the stage. If they can have less, they will, if can be smaller, it will. No need for more than one cymbal... a good crash/ride can do it all! However, this does not mean they stop collecting toys.

Prog drummers are a little metal, a little jazz. They want to be brütal too, but in new and interesting ways. They also don't want to practice, so they make stuff up as they go that seems extra random and call it "all part of the progressive plan". They revel in not having an identity one can pin down. Prog rock is also for those drummers who hate being weighed down by labels. They are likely the rebellious types who defy rules just to defy them. Because they're rules. And rules are dumb. And for other people, not me. Sub genres include prog/alt, which is really just a way of saying "I want to play alternative music (which is a break from rules in and of itself) but don't want to be hardcore like Rush. Can't I just noodle with layering music a bit?" and prog/punk, which is Angry Prog Rock!

Hard Rock is what happens when punk and generic rock mix, have babies and dye their hair a shade of brütal. They have "elements" of metal, ie they use double bass a lot. They are also angry and hate their parents. Hard Rockers just want to be hugged and heard. I think if more male hard rockers got hugs from females, they'd probably turn into indie/alternative types. However, if they get hugs and feel mellow yet still rebellious, they'll probably turn to prog rock (if they're extremists) or prog/alt (if they're more middle of the road).

Indie/Alternative just want us to all get along. Hang out with us, bring peace to the world, smoke a few... newspapers. They are generic rockers who admire what jazzers and prog rockers "do" but are waaaaaay too high to do it, so f it man let's just... play... stuff. Occasionally, an alt/indie band breaks through with hits that touch the masses. And this music is great. Unfortunately, many donate all their money to save the trees and go back to mediocrity because they couldnt stand "selling out", ie making money.

Goth thinks the world is so sad... so very sad... To their credit, though, they are not Emos. No, Emos are punks who want to hurt themselves, ie self-flagellation/mutilation. Goths want to hurt others as hurting themselves seems like a dumb idea when the world is the problem. This is very similar to original punk, however, Goths tend to be sad AND angry, not just angry. Many Goths also like industrial, which is okay as the two are not mutually exclusive. Very little is known about the drummers, though, much like little is known about the audience members, which is okay because it adds a "mysterious" quality that seems to hang like a dark gloom over goth venues.

Industrial: Really? Come on now. I, too, can bang pots and pans to get those "sounds of the factorium". Plus, anything they can do, a drum machine can do better. Besides, Trent did it. All of it. Drummers for Industrial have a fondness for electronics drumsets, which is more a requirement to perform in this genre rather than a consequence of it. 80s Electronica broke off into this genre as well as Alt and Pop. But mostly Pop. Some metal too.

Country is the leading cause of suicide in the United States out of any genre of music, whether it be because you love the music and the lyrics depress you or you shoot yourself because you've heard Taylor Swift for the umpteenth time. Generic rock with a guy or gal in a cowboy hat singing about how us cityfolk suck and country is where its at. Sometimes country crosses over into pop. Actually, it does so very often. All about the singer, you know.

Hardcore/Grindcore/Death Metal/Black Metal/Angry Metal/Sad Metal/Fist-In-Your-Face-Core/Super Duper Grind Fast Hard Dark Core Metal Core... no one cares about the minute differences between each genre that you elitist snobs feel need to be there to separate you from the next Joe who headbangs. You may be unique, Jimmy, but so is everyone else. No reason to go start a fistfight just because you're insecure in your brütality. The fact that the bands are so defensive about the genres just makes it all worse. You too Super-Duper-Grind-Fast-Hard-Dark-Core-Metal-Core drummers! Don't think you're off the hook just because your lead(s) are lacking in the social department. You could stop it all, but you don't! Then again, I suppose it's not enough to be brütal like regular ol' metalheads.

Soul/Hip-Hop/RnB/Gospel are mostly beyond my unwashed understanding, therefore they must be bad. Like all political parties have their moderates, drummers for these genres are as like the generics of their side of the music spectrum, just like generic rock drummers are, well, generic. But it's okay. In mediocrity, there is stability. Of course, there are the eccentrics out there who like to push the envelope, but don't fret, for they are definitely in the minority. No need to have your brain stretched while you listen to music. To their credit, drummers here don't feel the need to pump their leg on 1 and slam their stick on 3 constantly. And unlike rap, these genres usually use a live drummer. Good on them!

World music, also known as a Gear Snob's dream come true. Why? Because one can do both regular ol' rock/RnB (depending on your persuasion) AND buy even MORE stuff. More congas, more cowbells, more shakers, whistles and doodads. In fact, taking stuff that sounds good but wasn't necessarily designed to be a percussion instrument is a frequent sight. Out of everyone, they have the most right to talk about the "feel of drums/drumming" seeing as they slap their hands on 'em. Take that jazz snobs!

Pop mostly falls under the generic rock category, which I thought was a given. Pop is not about the drummer. In fact, if the singer is off beat, it's the drummer's fault. Why? Pop is all about the singer. The singer is QUEEN, MASTER, LORD OF ALL THE UNWASHEDASDFBBQ. And thus, the band, nay THE LAWS OF PHYSICS THEMSELVES, must bow to her! 120bpm is really 110 if she says it is. I have a sneaking suspicion that drummers for pop artists love being locked up in the road case with their drums to get carted off to the next venue.

Smooth Jazz, jazz with RnB influences... I think. Again, the whole not-knowing RnB bit.. ain't ignorance a pain? And Smooth Jazzers seem to be ignorant of the whole "feel" thing about jazz. It's crazy! It's as if they're playing to a beat yet somehow retain that "jazzy feel" (don't ask anyone to define what a "jazzy feel/mood" is, you will be running around in circles). Drummers who play smooth jazz like to be popular, or at least try to be. They don't want to seem as snobbish as their jazz brethren. They also possibly wanted to be hiphop/rap stars but could not say She Sells Sea Shells By the Sea Shore five times fast.

Funk is something I have knowledge on! Finally! Crazy offbeat snare hits, it's as if the drummer's arm fell asleep one time, smacked the snare and made a slight ping when it wasn't supposed to. This First Funk Drummer must have had insecurity issues though because he (or she, don't want to be sexist here!) immediately picked up with "I meant to do that". The rest of the jazz group didn't know about this new sound (and of course, they were jazzers as jazz has been around since The Beginning), but the drummer insisted. In fact, when they continued to pick apart his (or her) reasoning behind the "unintentional intentional hit", he (or she) got furious and threatened to turn all of their ties askew. Shocked by this possibility, the jazzers quickly caved. As a bit of revenge, they decided to name this new sound "Funk" referring to their drummer's funky feet. And to this day, funk is for drummers who make unintentional hits at odd times or just want "to be a bit different" but not blow out the box, like punk did!

Blues is a tricky one. The one thing drum machines/samples seem to have a problem with are resonant tones. And what does the blues have? Brushes, lots of singular notes that stand out and resonate and a solid backbeat. It's as if the Blues were around simply to challenge computer geeks worldwide in their quest to automate everything. Of course, Blues players can *NOT* rock out, as they would not dare hit their precious drums too hard. If they ever did try, their lead would glare back at them and turn the sad sad song into an angry one about a worker who doesnt know his place. Exception: Acts like Shinedown, which could arguably be called blues rock... but that's more to do with the other musicians, not the drummer.

Why wy, Professionals are musicians who sold their soul, of course! No one who accepts money to perform an art can truly be an artist. These people put motral concerns, such as bills and rent, above all else. They are willing to perform anything just to get a buck. They are untrustworthy and are quick, probably so they can maximize their time by running from gig to gig. All are to be scorned, especially the successful ones that "make a living off of music". Studio/session drummers are the worst of the crop. They might as well be accountants and lawyers!

There's also the drummer who is not a "professional" but will play any style. In fact, they MUST play any style, EVERY style. They are one of two things: Geeks or Non-Committals. Every facet of life has the smart people who become absolutely obsessed with their chosen area, sometimes through research, sometimes through practice. These people are Geeks. And there are Drum Geeks. You can spot them because they'll usually ask which style you want them to play when you ask a simple "Show me what you got". Frequently, Drum Geeks also swear by pitch-tuning and lambast other methods. Non-Committals are just afraid of commitment. You also have them in every facet of life. They just refuse to be anchored to anything. The "nice" version of the phenomena is "Free Spirit". As anyone who has dealt with "Free Spirits" in relationships can tell you, it can be very... very... annoying at times. But they are diverse and creative, despite rarely putting said attributes to work on one thing long enough to excel at it.

And before you ask, drumming teachers are their primary category first with the addendum that they have some sanity as they figure $25 from a half hour class or a half hour gig... it's all the same. Teachers also lost most of their hearing, which is good for dealing with beginners like me, and have an incredible amount of patience... or just dose off alot... you know, loss of hearing, not hearing drums, easy to sleep when all you hear is silence. Teachers are to be appreciated, however, also keep in mind that teachers may shape your choice of music. Be careful which teacher you pick or you might end up loving modern day punk. Or become a jazz snob.

Oh, I almost forgot: Electronica. Also known as "Most 80s music" or "The Great Drummer Famine of the 1980s". Yes, I stole that last title from someone who suggested it. Much like Electronica stole disco and had illegitimate children with... well, who knows. The room was dark, the night was young. Elements of rock, pop, industrial, disco, and on and on... Hair metal reigned supreme, "Mod music" was hip (except it was called New Wave) and Goth was big. It was a scary time, but not as scary as the Disco Depression. Techno also falls under this category. Uhn-tss-uhn-tss-uhn-tss. Greatest export to come out of my Eastern European homeland. Oh and Breakbeats/DnB/Rave Music. I actually like breakbeats. Not very imaginative, but it definitely gets you moving. Unfortunately there are no breakbeat drummers, just DJs with a drum machine.

I definitely fall under the Prog/Alt category. I was into angry, angst-fueled hard rock before. And then I got hugged by females. Now I'm still rebellious.. in a passive-aggressive sort of way.

If I've forgotten any genres, I apologize on your behalf because you're either mediocre enough to be forgotten or just don't cause enough of a fuss to be noticed.

Hope you enjoyed this great summary of skills and abilities! It's all unfounded comedy. Except for the bit about Country. It causes the most music related suicides in our nation and must be stopped
 

Moldy

Silver Member
Re: THE HATE THREAD - ©2010 Moldy

*sniffle* Brings a tear to my eye! Singular. You have my permission to repost it :p

Next thing you know, I'll have my own forum groupies.

Oh:

Did I mention Classic Rock? It's around so more experienced drummers can tell us younguns that we "don't know what REAL music" is, or for that matter, how to make it. They like to rant on about how music used to make a stand and mean something in the culture.. motivate people to take action for just causes. These drummers remember "the golden years of talent". Of course, this is just the rosy-tinted glasses of the past. Given forty years, new younguns will get to hear about our era and how our music stood for something, conveniently forgetting the majority of music which was rotten in favor of 24/7 replay time of the minority of golden songs produced. We will either be terribly embarrassed if we played Emo or incredibly boring if we speak of our brütal double-bass beats.
 
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Garvin

Pioneer Member
Re: THE HATE THREAD - ©2010 Moldy

That is awesome! Hilarious... Brightens my day, and will cause me to think deeply before every one of my future posts.

The DW roast of the year!
 

Malti

Senior Member
Re: THE HATE THREAD - ©2010 Moldy

I absolutely loved this! Learned alot too. This should be published somewhere for all to enjoy (I mean other than DW). Well Done!!!
 

Thaard

Platinum Member
Re: THE HATE THREAD - ©2010 Moldy

Nice rant there Moldy, nice rant.. indeed. I think you forgot fusion-drummers though. Evil people with mullets the size of canada, wearing curtains and laughing at drummers who play other genres.
 

Moldy

Silver Member
Re: THE HATE THREAD - ©2010 Moldy

And I quote from above:

If I've forgotten any genres, I apologize on your behalf because you're either mediocre enough to be forgotten or just don't cause enough of a fuss to be noticed.
 

Thaard

Platinum Member
Re: THE HATE THREAD - ©2010 Moldy

You also forgot Latino, which is pretty big in Mexico and other latin-American country´s. Also Reggae which is pretty big too.

I see myself in the drum-geek analogy though. Once a geek, always a geek.
 

DrumEatDrum

Platinum Member
Re: THE HATE THREAD - ©2010 Moldy

Oh my, I almost spit my coffee all over my laptop!!!!!

Single greatest thread ever!!!

Instantly sums up millions of postings that are spread all over the internet.

I especially like:
Hardcore/Grindcore/Death Metal/Black Metal/Angry Metal/Sad Metal/Fist-In-Your-Face-Core/Super Duper Grind Fast Hard Dark Core Metal Core... no one cares about the minute differences between each genre that you elitist snobs feel need to be there to separate you from the next Joe who headbangs. You may be unique, Jimmy, but so is everyone else. No reason to go start a fistfight just because you're insecure in your brütality. The fact that the bands are so defensive about the genres just makes it all worse. You too Super-Duper-Grind-Fast-Hard-Dark-Core-Metal-Core drummers! Don't think you're off the hook just because your lead(s) are lacking in the social department. You could stop it all, but you don't! Then again, I suppose it's not enough to be brütal like regular ol' metalheads.
That sums up my feelings on my most American metal bands these days. LOL.

Overall thread is well done, well done.
 

brady

Platinum Member
Re: THE HATE THREAD - ©2010 Moldy

Awesome! Funny stuff!

You should do a sequel about us drum/cymbal/drumstick company snobs...
 

MikeM

Platinum Member
Re: THE HATE THREAD - ©2010 Moldy

I read the title of this thread and the first thing I thought of was http://www.pp2g.tv/vZnB6Y3c_.aspx
Awesome video! My new fave!

Funny thread, Moldy! I was trying to stay out of the jazz fray because I hate jazz drummers so much, except not as much as the metal drummers, and a little less than the funk drummers (but close), and don't get me started on blues and classic rock guys, which are like the stupid punk/alt/screamo/prog drummers - only different... Man, I hate drummers!

:D
 

Filacterua

Senior Member
Re: THE HATE THREAD - ©2010 Moldy

Awesome video! My new fave!

Funny thread, Moldy! I was trying to stay out of the jazz fray because I hate jazz drummers so much, except not as much as the metal drummers, and a little less than the funk drummers (but close), and don't get me started on blues and classic rock guys, which are like the stupid punk/alt/screamo/prog drummers - only different... Man, I hate drummers!

:D
Yes YES - THAT's the spirit...
 

dxdrummer

Member
Re: THE HATE THREAD - ©2010 Moldy

I loved this thread

do you have anything about big band jazz? My professor is a huge snob (and yells a lot) and it would really brighten up my day :p
 

Pollyanna

Platinum Member
Re: THE HATE THREAD - ©2010 Moldy

Nice rant there Moldy, nice rant.. indeed. I think you forgot fusion-drummers though. Evil people with mullets the size of canada, wearing curtains and laughing at drummers who play other genres.
An excellent addendum to Moldy's inspired lunacy, Thaard

Just like to say that I was the magician's assistant and held the hat 2/3rds of the way thought the show while he pulled out the rabbits (and the gym sock)
 

MikeM

Platinum Member
Re: THE HATE THREAD - ©2010 Moldy

Nice work, Polly, we really did need that bit about Soul/Hip-Hop/RnB/Gospel. I'd been wondering about that one for quite some time.
 

Michael McDanial

Senior Member
Re: THE HATE THREAD - ©2010 Moldy

Awesome video! My new fave!

Funny thread, Moldy! I was trying to stay out of the jazz fray because I hate jazz drummers so much, except not as much as the metal drummers, and a little less than the funk drummers (but close), and don't get me started on blues and classic rock guys, which are like the stupid punk/alt/screamo/prog drummers - only different... Man, I hate drummers!

:D
Does the fact that I'm a saxophonist help me? :)
 

Moldy

Silver Member
Re: THE HATE THREAD - ©2010 Moldy

It's funny you mention Big Band, dx, because I was just pondering that on my drive to my drum lesson today!

Big Band. If it has those two words in it, it really doesn't matter what kind they are. This is because, for the most part, members of big bands are leftovers from high school marching/jazz/orchestra-type bands. They prefer larger groups of musicians to mingle with, almost like a soiree at every show. They also don't want to risk EVER having to stand out, stand up or solo something. It is better to be a cog in the machine and have the machine as a whole take the limelight... or just the singer in front. Big Bands like Big Things and thus Big Shows. You will rarely see a big band perform in a small venue. They say it's for space reasons, but in reality, they're just hiding their snobby ways under a weak pretense. Lastly, why have one of each instrument when you can have every in triplicate! While not necessarily part of the "Axis of Snobbiness", drummers for big bands are certainly annoying and haughty.
 
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