Snappy comebacks and other barbs for drummers


"Uncle Larry"
Inspired by the whole drummer joke thing, you know the topic that gets my panties all in a twist? Just for the record, the only drummer jokes I have an issue with are the ones that are aimed directly at a particular individual. Like someone telling a drummer joke to a few people is fine, just a yuk. I don't put them in the same category as some of the comments I've personally gotten in the past. Comments like (referring to me personally) Oh, he doesn't matter, he's just a drummer....comments of that nature, aimed only at me.

So I am in the process of formulating a series of snappy comebacks and strategies designed solely for that special occasion when I get to throw an unexpected zinger right back at the Dbag. It's my new fun thing I'm doing to people who deserve it, and need a life lesson.

The one thing I came up with so far, and I'm looking for others, is if somebody disses me personally, I can just say something a joking tone of course....OK Mr. Superior, just wait until you take your next bass solo (or whatever).... you just earned yourself a nice fat penalty...and when he actually does take his next solo....screw him up, just enough so he gets the message that you can let him twist in the wind if you so choose. Flex our muscles so to speak. Make them aware how much he depends on you. Let them know that maybe they had better not bite the hand that is feeding them. And when they call you on it after the set, you remind them of the penalty THEY earned. "Oh you thought I was joking about that penalty? Better get used to them! " Put it right back on them. I really think that might go a long way to curb bad behavior toward us. So my new thing is I issue penalties for bad behavior. They have to be reminded of the power we possess, and that we shouldn't be taken for granted or trivialized.

Your thoughts?
Any offerings?
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Gold Member
I always like the "At least I sit can sit down when I play" or to horn players, "At least I can breathe whenever I want to."

The Scorpio

Senior Member
I usually just say something like

"That would sting if I were able to understand verbal communication, but since that is not the case, I will continue to live my life as if what you said doesn't matter."

"With all due respect sir, that's a bunch of malarky."

"Times like this make me think of what Ghandi said, "Kiss my a**." I'm paraphrasing so forgive me."

"Your wit, sir, is unremarkable and unmemorable in every respect."



Senior Member
"At least I am not stroking some phallic looking instument all day long (for bassist and guitar players) or sticking it in my mouth and blowing (for the horn players)."

jon e rotten

Senior Member
I usually go with something like, "oh please're killing serioulsy you're so funny.....oh God have mercy, how could I ever be as clever as, please, no more, my stomach is hurting from laughter......drummers are dumb ha ha ha...oh that's so funny ......did you just make that up?....cause man, that was a good one.... i mean you're right, I do hit things with sticks, why didn't i think of that?......I have to go outside and catch my breath now....please no more."


Senior Member
"Take out the guitars or bass or keyboards etc. and the band would still be playing Rock 'n Roll. Take out the backbeat/drums and the band would be playing chamber music."

"All I can say is that the girls aren't shaking their booties to the guitar/horn/keyboard solo."


Platinum Member
Thats really a nice they make those for men too?

Suck your what?......I don't eat baby food

If my dog had a face like yours,.I'd shave his butt and make him walk backwards.

Drummers are stupid?( insert instrument) players are out of their depth in a parking lot puddle

Just when I thought your playing couldn't get any worse,not only did you hit bottom tonight,but you began to dig.

The only reason we keep you in the band is to see what you'll do next.

Band leader?The guys in the band wouldn't follow you into your own home.

There you go Larry.Insults for all occasions,and very difficult to come back from.I've got lots more,just let me know.:)

Steve B


Gold Member
Tell them if they are married, "I suck how much?! Funny, but your wife tells me I'm fantastic. And she also thinks I'm an awesome drummer!"

Of course, if they have a girlfriend, substitute the wife for girlfriend n the above sentence.

And certainly say the above with a smile on your face. :)


Senior Member
I'm the type that would be halfway home in the car before I could think of a come back.

Larry, I think it was you who said something in that other thread about throwing a personal insult back - it made me think of times I've said glowering behind my kit thinking about the singer's stupid hair cut and the fact that he was 30 years too old (at least) to be wearing jeans with fake tears in the knees ... but I'm afraid I all could come up with as a comeback to his drummer jokes was a weary sigh and a muttered "Oh, f*** off".


Platinum Member
I go straight for the jugular. "I'll remember that tonight when I'm f*****g your mother."


It's one of those things I endure in silence.
Fighting brings me down to their mindless level a bit.
The better musicians know the value of a good drummer.

...not sure if I'm that or not but this craft is quite respectable.

Midnite Zephyr

Platinum Member
Guitars are for people who can't play drums. Or behind every guitar is a wannabee drummer. They all think they are drummers too. But they are not because most of them suck at drumming.


Platinum Member
"Wow! That was a good one! You must be tired after staying up all night last night piecing that gem together. Here, have a seat, but don't don't sit down too hard, 'cause you don't wanna crush your brain..."


Senior Member
"Nothing you're saying right now is funny."

Say it with a straight face and very serious/deadpan/authoritative tone and it will stop them in their tracks.

Or you could try "Wow, a guitarist AND a comedian!? With so many talents, I thought you'd at least be good at one of, take these drum sticks and you can add something else to the list of things you're useless at"


Senior Member
What do you do when when there's a singer staggering around in your front yard?

You shoot him again.