man… what the hell


Senior Member
Here's my observation on marriage:

The woman marries the man thinking, "he's not quite perfect, but I can work on him and he'll change".

The man never changes.

The man marries the woman thinking, " She is the perfect woman for me just as she is".

The woman changes.


Platinum Member
I think the problem of the drumming,is just a manifistation of her unhappiness.Her friends are the antagonist,and will continue to fan the flames.A look into some of their lives would be very revealing.Misery does indeed love company.

I made the mistake of marrying a mentaly ill woman.early in my police career.I always wanted to be a cop.Some of her friends were cops.We even had mutual friends who were cops.We had a few bumps while we were dating so we went to counseling,before getting married.ALL the warning signs were there,but believing that change would come,and love conqueres all is just kidding yourself.Everything in our relationship,other than that was amazing.((Other than did you like the play...Mrs.Lincoln)

One day she decides that I am not allowed to ride with a female partner.I never strayed,nor did I give her any reason to think so.Well,you just can't go up to your squad sergeant,and tell him,my wife says I can't ride with females boss.That would be instant career,if not job kill.

My gut was telling me to bail out,as was my brother.Long story short,we seperated after a 10 year marrage.,Our relationship in the end was nothing short of a nightmare.Then came the divorce.

Please don't take this the wrong way.The fact that your posting this on a public drum forum,means that you're seeking some kind a vindication,one way or the other.All I can say is,I think you're heading for a nightmare marrage.Listen to your gut.Sooner or later,you'll hate her for making you give up the thing you love,to prove your love for her.

Relationships only work with compromise,not dictatorship.Best of luck.

Steve B
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Senior Member
Sounds to my like your fiancee isn't getting what she needs and is using the drums to make her point.

Most issues are a disguise for a deeper issue. Dig deeper, it's not the drums that are causing this. JMO.

My guess is that she doesn't feel connected to you lately.

Of course this is just my opinion as well, but these shallow waters tend to run a lot deepr.

Midnite Zephyr

Platinum Member
Here's my observation on marriage:

The woman marries the man thinking, "he's not quite perfect, but I can work on him and he'll change".

The man never changes.

The man marries the woman thinking, " She is the perfect woman for me just as she is".

The woman changes.
Exactly. ....................................+1

Bad Tempered Clavier

Silver Member
If you haven't already, I recommend that both of you read Depressive Illness: The Curse of the Strong by Dr Tim Cantopher. This is a great book and one that is easy to digest even when one is suffering from depression.

I don't know what it's like in your neighbourhood but where I come from depression is often swept under the rug by most people. General Practioners will have people playing russian roulette with SSRIs, SNRIs, and if they don't work - the rest of the gang: this is the typical course of action because it's a short-term solution and (a) the majority of people who suffer depressive episodes do not have a chronic depressive illness and (b) pills are cheaper than therapy.

The fact that you have sought the help of a psychiatrist is encouraging. By far the most helpful thing your fiancee can get at the moment is an accurate diagnosis. If your fiancee has a chronic illness then that will obviously take some time to address but the only advice I can give is to be realistic: with depression a lot of people talk about "recovery" as though depressive illnesses are things that can be cured or that will eventually go away. The truth of the matter is that most chronic mental illness is exactly that: chronic; but that does not mean that one cannot learn to manage it better over time and with the support of one's family, loved ones, and preferably qualified therapists, lead happy and functional lives together.

I wish you both the very best of luck.


Platinum Member
I'm going to chime in as a person that has suffered from chronic depression for the last fourteen years and has been having a particularly serious episode from about April that is ongoing.

Firstly, don't give up. It must be horrible living with a person that has depression. It's ruined relationships and my professional life too. I feel very guilty about the impact that it has on my friends and family - particularly my parents who have dealt with the brunt of it since it first started when I was ten. I can absolutely understand that you feel isolated and that you're desperate to help her and I can commend your course of action so far. I think you're going down the right route with seeking professional intervention.

Unfortunately, unless she can accept that there is a problem then she might not be fully on board with your course of action. Very often, depressive episodes can creep up on the person involved and it isn't until things come to a head. In my case, I had a total emotional breakdown one Sunday afternoon that left me screaming and shouting incoherently at everyone around me. Some days, I can't leave the house and social situations can be very difficult because you just want to get away.

Try and talk to her. It may invoke an argument but these can be absolutely healthy. Things come out in arguments that otherwise may not and afterwards you will find that you are being much more open and honest about how you are both feeling about each other and the events around you. This is a good thing. It might even be that she can accept that she is struggling with her life right now.

Engaging in conversation is really the best thing you can do, as well as seeking the professional advice that she needs. Please persist.


I was a drummer when I met my wife. Being a rock drummer and coming from that kind of environment (I played in a Hollywood "hair band" back in the 80's) I have tattoos, wore earrings and basically looked and dressed the part. This is how I looked when we were married.
Since getting married she has shown her distaste for my choice of music, my appearance, my tattoos and my drumming.

Do what a couple of the others have said and run...don't walk. I wish I had.


Platinum Member
In most cases when a spouse has a problem with the outside interests of a partner it signals the beginning of the end of the relationship.
There are almost always underlying issues that bring this on.
It is statistical fact.