Most of us here have dreamed of being a full time musician. Some of us want to be rock stars, and some of us would be happy giving lessons and gigging on the weekends, as long as we were able to pay the bills. I'm about to turn 40 in a little over a month and I have come to the conclusion that my dream is dead. I don't have any asperations to become a rock star, but I always wanted to play for a living. I've just never been good enough. 30 years of practicing and I still suck. I'm probably good enough now that I could play with a small touring band, I'm just too old to sleep in a van with a buch of kids. I just don't know how to resign myself to the fact that I'm going to have to come into this soul sucking day job for the rest of my life. I know I should be grateful that I have a job. I know I should be grateful that I get to play as much as I do, being as bad as I am. To me, coming to work is a black cloud that hangs over my whole life. I find myself unable to enjoy myself when I am off work because the though of going back to my job almost makes me ill. It's not that bad of a job. I shove papers around my desk for the government. I could be digging ditches or flipping burgers. The "Occupy" people around the world are protesting because they don't have what I have. I talked to my pastor about it, and he said it's because I'm an artist. Punching a time clock and doing useless busy work just leaves me feeling empy. I get angry when I think about how much time I spend at work. Between the commute, and lunch, it's 11 hours a day. That's 11 hours a day that have nothing to do with my life and I will never get back. I'm in three bands right now and a fourth and fifth want me to join. I just don't have time and it makes me sick that I have to give up what I love just to pay the bills. I need to quit one of the bands I'm already in so I can see my wife occasionally. But, I don't want to be lying on my death bed and think about how I gave up what drumming oportunities I had in this short life. I feel like a loser because I can't "grow up" and be content going to work and living a "normal" life. I've thought about quiting my job and trying to teach and play for a living, but I just don't think I'm good enough. On top of my playing deficiencies, I'm pretty introverted. The whole social, networking part of it would be hard for me. It just feels to irresponsible. I just don't know how to cope with the fact that I don't have any hopes or dreams anymore. What do I do now?